Better

Things are definitely better between M and I.
We've spoke loads on the phone today and patched things up and i do know that he truly loves me, as well as wanting to shag my brains out haha!
We had another masturbating event on the phone today but it's so nice to hear him cause it makes me feel incredibly sexy.
We managed to chat on Yahoo messenger for an hour this afternoon and i've spoke to him over 1/2 dozen times on the phone. In between i've managed to get loads of housework and cooking done too.
We are so in love right now and i just can't wait for him to get back.
Tomorrow i'm going out and spending some of his money. He's very generous with his cash and as well as giving me money he lavishes me with gifts too. But, if that were to all end tomorrow i wouldn't give a damn. It means not one jot to me if he gives me anything but i'm very thankful for him doing it and i know he enjoys it. Plus i love looking nice for him and it enables me to go out and buy lovely clothes for him.
M, i know you'll be reading this in the next couple of days. I just want you to know that i can't wait for you to come home and be with me. I miss you so much my heart aches, i've never felt it do that until now. I love you and need you xxxx

I can't get all this out of my head. I feel sick, i feel ill. I so wish i hadn't fucking looked now!

So i tried to call M as i'd been stewing about it all day and was getting myself in a state. His sim card that he had to buy on holiday wouldn't accept my call so i just had to sit and wait. I was conscious H was around so couldn't really talk to him so when he called i answered it and hung up knowing he'd then call back and went upstairs so i could say something. All i said was why did you log in to AM on Saturday. He said he had gone on so he could delete his profile. So why was it there this afternoon? Anyway i just said i couldn't chat and if he wanted to leave me a VM to explain he could do. he called maybe a dozen times after that and got upset, eventually going over to the internet cafe so we could chat online.

When he got to the internet cafe he must have logged on to AM cause his profile is now gone. Although i've been ok with him i still don't believe he went on on Saturday to delete his profile. He knows about the internet, he's an IT kinda bloke and knows his way around AM, christ he's been a member for long enough! So if he deleted it on Saturday it would be deleted, just like it was deleted the minute he went on it last night.

I'm disappointed. I feel like i've been betrayed. The thought of him even exchanging emails with another woman fills me with dread.

Am I being irrational?? Maybe. But it's only because i love him so much.

This morning i feel ok but it is on my mind and i do still feel a bit bitter. I don't think he's telling me the whole truth if i'm honest and knowing i don't trust him 100% scares me.

Feeling sad

At the weekend M and i had discussed Ashley Madison and how he hadn't been back on there except the time we broke up and i was on holiday. He said he'd just gone to have a look. Anyway, yesterday i decided i would create a new login and see when he was last online. To my shock i saw it was 2 days earlier, the very day he'd been chatting to me. 

I felt sick, i was so upset. FUCK! How could he do this?!!

Sigh

I'm feeling so in love right now.
You've been away for almost a week now and i'm now counting down the days til you come back.
I loved the VMs you sent me yesterday. I was sat on the sofa yesterday afternoon while you kept ringing, you must have rung about 10 times, and i thought to myself, 'you know K, you're a very lucky girl to have someone who loves and cares for you as much as M does'. And i am. I am the luckiest girl alive. You treat me like no-one else ever has. You love me and buy me gorgeous gifts, take me to lovely places and just make me feel mmmmmmmmmmmm.
I can't wait to hear from you again later my darling. The sound of your sweet voice on the phone is all i'm living for right now!

Well i was a bit ill last night so couldn't really get on the computer to update. 

We had some lovely chats on the phone yesterday. I just love chatting with him, he makes me feel so special. I just hate not being able to email him and text him whenever i like. I'm sure we'll be emailing like crazy as soon as he gets back!

Last night i did manage to chat to him on Yahoo for a good hour and that was fabulous. 

All we did was talk about our feelings for each other and how very strong they are.

A while ago i went away on holiday and for some reason i decided it would be best to call things off. Maybe it was guilt, i don't know, but anyway, although i had a good time i did think about him often.

When i got back things seemed to have changed. At first my feelings were the same but he had changed. he let me have my space and by doing that i guess he kinda won me back. We met a couple of weeks after i got back as i had a couple of things for him and he had some gifts for me for my birthday. the old feelings rushed back and although i had stated that i just wanted to be friends i realised i wanted more. As i left him i leaned over and kissed him, i had to do it, and i was left wanting more. The next time we met it just all fell back into place and now we are stronger than we've ever been and even more in love.

I don't know what the future holds for us and he knows that i love my family and don't want to do anything to hurt them but right now i hate being away from him.

History

For anyone that should stumble by this blog i wanted to give you a bit of background.
I decided that life was a bit boring almost a year ago and via a magazine i stumbled upon the Ashley Madison website. At first i thought it a bit of harmless fun, maybe some cyber sex chat and flirting. I got unindated with messages, one of them being from M. We hit it off straight away and within a couple of days we were talking about meeting and already the Love word had been mentioned. Now in my opinion, in hindsight, it was far to early to be talking about this but hey, you live and learn. This was August 2007 and it would take us til October to eventually meet. In that time we emailed and texted each other 24/7 and spoke on the phone everyday. We talked so freely it was easy to see how i fell for him.
Then in October we met at a local shopping centre. I remember it as if it were yesterday. I came down the escalator and he was holding to cups of coffee and he smiled. We hugged and he gave me a small kiss on the lips. Within the hour we'd kissed passionately and we spent a wonderful day together although i had doubts by this time and left feeling guilty and vowed to never see him again.
Almost a year on we've had our ups and downs but we have a fabulous relationship. We laugh, we cry, we love music and tv and film, we love Starbucks and muffins, we love just being in each others company. We also love making love together but neither know it's what 'WE' are about. I think we just belong together. End of story xxxx

Well i spoke to you again a couple of times last night and it was just mmmmm, seems we can't get enough of each other.
I'm so please you're getting the odd text through cause it sort of gives me a bit of hope.
You were very naughty on the phone yesterday weren't you. I do really like how much i turn you on though and the thought of you masturbating while listening to me is a huge turn on too. I know the night together we have planned is just going to be so amazing. It's been so lo9ng since we were really intimate together that i'm sure we'll both be so turned on it won't last very very long haha! But i know we have such fun in the build up to these things. You are an incredible lover and i love your touch and the things that we do. Baby i can't wait to be with you again and i know you feel the same. Hurry home to me lover, i miss you xxx

Well It was lovely to talk to you again this afternoon. Just such a shame that H was home and I couldn't tell u how much I love you. You really brighten my world you know!
Am suffering at the minute. Have tummy ache. I think its cause I feel like I'm dying inside without you!

Well I've spoken to you a few times today already and you make me feel just mmmmmmm! I feel so close to u right now even though we're thousands of miles apart. Never forget how much u mean to me. This is such an intense feeling, I never want it to end! I've been shopping for new clothes this morning so I look extra special for you when u get back. I know you love my sense of style and because u treat me so well a lot of it is down to you so thankyou! Xx

Weather is rubbish today so caught the bus into town and am going to then go to the shopping centre. Am sat in Starbucks thinking about you loads and missing you terribly. I've been thinking about all the wonderful things we do together and all the wonderful things we have yet to do. I love you baby, very much. When I get down about things like you not calling its only because I care so much, I don't mean to be nasty. I hope u understand xxx

Well in typical fashion the only night I turn my fone off early and u go to the internet cafe! Grrrrrr. Again I'm a little disappointed you haven't been there earlier but I guess you are on holiday and again I'm just thinking of myself. Sounds like you had a nice evening last night with your friends. I'm going to drop C off and have a walk to the shops today for the exercise. Hopefully I'll chat to u later.

Went to bed feeling a bit disappointed

Am left feeling a bit disappointed. I did eventually get a fone call from u just now but it was very short and D was obviously around cause you were whispering. I guess u were having too much of a good time to call earlier.

Feeling a bit sad at the minute. Was expecting you to call about 5pm but nothing as yet :-(

Just been for a short run. I'm really conscious of the few extra pounds I have put on and looking at myself in the mirror I see a chubby person. I know you think I look good but seriously, out of my clothes I am flabby. I need to try and get in shape during the next 4 weeks cause there is this really fabulous guy that I plan on getting naked with and having a whole lot of fun!!

I've just spoken to the love of my life and now feel pretty good. I'm so in love right now and am loving it! Bring it on!

Well I waited and waited for you to call and began to think you weren't going to but you did. I guess sometimes I doubt you but I really shouldn't. Sometimes I don't realise how much you love me but deep down I think I do know. I'm just not used to someone being as passionate about me as you are. Not even my husband treats me the way you do. You encapsulate me and make me feel like nothing else in the world matters. When we're together its just like its us and no-one else exists. I want us to be together always. I can't see a future without you in it.
I'm just realising that I shouldn't be sad cause you're away but I should be happy cause its me you're coming back too! Xx

Am sat here writing a few emails and wondering if you're asleep. I'm willing u to call but know u won't as you'll be fast asleep, its 3am where you are! God I miss you, like never before!

Woke up about 630am and instantly you are in my thoughts. I slept a bit better last night. Ironically though I woke about 330am and listened to the answerphone messages you'd left me, the last one being 15 mins previously. They warmed my heart but have to admit that everytime I hear you it hurts and makes me sad. I'm jealous. I don't want you to be having fun with someone else, I want it to be me you're having fun with. I know that's silly but we can't help how we feel can we. Not sure what I'm doing today, possibly going shopping with C. xx

Well you did call me, eventually haha and it was lovely to hear from you. I am still absolutely gutted and don't really know what to do with myself! Its like someone has died. I just want to be able to ping u or text u at least but I can't :-( I must admit to shedding a tear on the fone to you, and after you had gone the floodgates opened. Even now typing this I feel like I want to cry but I'm going to have to pull myself together and keep my chin up. Its not the end of the world I guess although right now it does feel like it!
I love u, always have always will. Xx

Well I'm sat here waiting, my stomach's in knots. H has gone out and I so wish u would call or text or mail or something. You said u were going straight into town after breakfast to get it sorted but you've waited and waited and gone swimming etc... I guess I'm a little disappointed but hey, that's probably me being selfish! I just thought it may have been a bit more urgent for you but hey ho.

So you called around 4pm but H was home early so I couldn't answer you. I miss you so much. I'm not a happy bunny :-(

My insides are aching. My feelings for you have NEVER been this strong. I don't know what to do with myself!

Well I've spoken to u a couple of times this morning and its just making me miss u even more :-( I can't think of anything else at the minute. You are it baby, you are everything, I can't get enough of you! I'm just on my way home and have my Ipod on listening to the Veronicas and feel extrememly close to you. I'm so in love with you x

I'm sat in Starbucks having my usual and soft songs are playing and god do I wish u were here cause I miss u so very much!

Arghhhh!

I stayed up late doing a bit of work and then fell asleep about 1120pm. I checked your flight and it said you would be landing about 1144pm my time. I woke up intermittently and checked my phone to see if my messages had been delivered. When it got to about 1am i started to worry. I turned on the computer to check your flight and it had landed as expected. At first i thought you might not have turned on your phone but then i sort of knew you would have so thought maybe your battery had gone. Then i realised you wouldn't have had it turned on so again discounted that. Then i had the awful realisation that maybe you couldn't get a signal. I couldn't sleep and then at just after 2am my phone rang whilst it was in my hand and it was tempting to answer but i wouldn't have been able to speak so i let it go to voicemail. You sounded so helpless and i knew as soon as you spoke that the worst possible thing had happened and there were no signals. After that i couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned for what seemed like hours and it must have been 4am before i fell asleep so as you can guess i feel a bit shit this morning. My stomach has done nothing but churn since i heard your message. I feel sick, i feel upset. I don't like feeling like this at all. It's as if someone has died and i don't know how to control it. After dropping C off i was just going to go home and lay on the sofa watching TV but i knew i would just get myself worked up so i went into town to the A******* and hoped that maybe it would take my mind off things. You have no idea how much you mean to me and how very much i love you!