Better

Things are definitely better between M and I.
We've spoke loads on the phone today and patched things up and i do know that he truly loves me, as well as wanting to shag my brains out haha!
We had another masturbating event on the phone today but it's so nice to hear him cause it makes me feel incredibly sexy.
We managed to chat on Yahoo messenger for an hour this afternoon and i've spoke to him over 1/2 dozen times on the phone. In between i've managed to get loads of housework and cooking done too.
We are so in love right now and i just can't wait for him to get back.
Tomorrow i'm going out and spending some of his money. He's very generous with his cash and as well as giving me money he lavishes me with gifts too. But, if that were to all end tomorrow i wouldn't give a damn. It means not one jot to me if he gives me anything but i'm very thankful for him doing it and i know he enjoys it. Plus i love looking nice for him and it enables me to go out and buy lovely clothes for him.
M, i know you'll be reading this in the next couple of days. I just want you to know that i can't wait for you to come home and be with me. I miss you so much my heart aches, i've never felt it do that until now. I love you and need you xxxx

I can't get all this out of my head. I feel sick, i feel ill. I so wish i hadn't fucking looked now!

So i tried to call M as i'd been stewing about it all day and was getting myself in a state. His sim card that he had to buy on holiday wouldn't accept my call so i just had to sit and wait. I was conscious H was around so couldn't really talk to him so when he called i answered it and hung up knowing he'd then call back and went upstairs so i could say something. All i said was why did you log in to AM on Saturday. He said he had gone on so he could delete his profile. So why was it there this afternoon? Anyway i just said i couldn't chat and if he wanted to leave me a VM to explain he could do. he called maybe a dozen times after that and got upset, eventually going over to the internet cafe so we could chat online.

When he got to the internet cafe he must have logged on to AM cause his profile is now gone. Although i've been ok with him i still don't believe he went on on Saturday to delete his profile. He knows about the internet, he's an IT kinda bloke and knows his way around AM, christ he's been a member for long enough! So if he deleted it on Saturday it would be deleted, just like it was deleted the minute he went on it last night.

I'm disappointed. I feel like i've been betrayed. The thought of him even exchanging emails with another woman fills me with dread.

Am I being irrational?? Maybe. But it's only because i love him so much.

This morning i feel ok but it is on my mind and i do still feel a bit bitter. I don't think he's telling me the whole truth if i'm honest and knowing i don't trust him 100% scares me.

Feeling sad

At the weekend M and i had discussed Ashley Madison and how he hadn't been back on there except the time we broke up and i was on holiday. He said he'd just gone to have a look. Anyway, yesterday i decided i would create a new login and see when he was last online. To my shock i saw it was 2 days earlier, the very day he'd been chatting to me. 

I felt sick, i was so upset. FUCK! How could he do this?!!

Sigh

I'm feeling so in love right now.
You've been away for almost a week now and i'm now counting down the days til you come back.
I loved the VMs you sent me yesterday. I was sat on the sofa yesterday afternoon while you kept ringing, you must have rung about 10 times, and i thought to myself, 'you know K, you're a very lucky girl to have someone who loves and cares for you as much as M does'. And i am. I am the luckiest girl alive. You treat me like no-one else ever has. You love me and buy me gorgeous gifts, take me to lovely places and just make me feel mmmmmmmmmmmm.
I can't wait to hear from you again later my darling. The sound of your sweet voice on the phone is all i'm living for right now!

Well i was a bit ill last night so couldn't really get on the computer to update. 

We had some lovely chats on the phone yesterday. I just love chatting with him, he makes me feel so special. I just hate not being able to email him and text him whenever i like. I'm sure we'll be emailing like crazy as soon as he gets back!

Last night i did manage to chat to him on Yahoo for a good hour and that was fabulous. 

All we did was talk about our feelings for each other and how very strong they are.

A while ago i went away on holiday and for some reason i decided it would be best to call things off. Maybe it was guilt, i don't know, but anyway, although i had a good time i did think about him often.

When i got back things seemed to have changed. At first my feelings were the same but he had changed. he let me have my space and by doing that i guess he kinda won me back. We met a couple of weeks after i got back as i had a couple of things for him and he had some gifts for me for my birthday. the old feelings rushed back and although i had stated that i just wanted to be friends i realised i wanted more. As i left him i leaned over and kissed him, i had to do it, and i was left wanting more. The next time we met it just all fell back into place and now we are stronger than we've ever been and even more in love.

I don't know what the future holds for us and he knows that i love my family and don't want to do anything to hurt them but right now i hate being away from him.